Life after Divorce: How to Avoid Parental Alienation
Divorce can be an emotionally and mentally difficult period for both you and your children - your lives are changing in major ways; you're likely hurt, sad or angry about your marriage's end; and you may be struggling with related concerns like financial worries or time crunches.
For these reasons, it's important to make sure you're not subjecting your children to any more stress than necessary. One of the most important things you can do as a divorced parent is avoid alienating your children from your ex-spouse - who is still, remember, your children's parent too.
What is Parental Alienation?Parental alienation occurs when a child is turned away from one parent, usually because of actions or words of the other parent. That is, because of things you as a parent say or do, your child becomes indifferent or hostile toward your former spouse.
Naturally, this can be painful and damaging for children. And many parents going through a divorce engage in some level of alienating behavior, even if they don't mean to. Learn the signs of parental alienation and how to protect your children.
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Three Levels of Alienation
At some point, most divorced parents practice some alienating behaviors. Whether or not those behaviors are problematic depends on how and when they occur.
- Mild: Low-level alienators generally act with their children's best interests in mind. They tend to be cooperative with the other parent, share children's medical and school information, and try to keep their interests separate from their children's. They may have occasional moments of alienation, in which they suggest with words or actions that the other parent has committed some fault or should be blamed for something.
- Moderate: Mid-level alienators tend to alienate their children from their ex-spouses more actively and more consistently than mild alienators. Some suggest that excessive emotional hurt, anger or resentment toward an ex-spouse causes moderate alienators to lash out, verbally bashing their former spouses in front of their kids. They tend to recognize their children's best interest but don't always act in it; they can be less flexible with sharing time with children.
- Severe: High-level alienators engage in an active, conscious campaign to alienate their children from their ex-spouses. They try to align children's views with their own and may insist that they're "protecting" their children, even if the other spouse has presented no threat to the children.
Alienation Symptoms: Behaviors to Avoid
After a divorce, helping your children maintain a healthy relationship with both their parents can be difficult. But by being aware of the following common alienating behaviors - and working to eliminate them from your daily routine - you can help your children recover emotionally from your divorce.
- Sharing too much: Honesty doesn't mean telling your kids all the sordid details of your divorce. Be honest with yourself: telling your kids negative stuff about their other parent will hurt them and harm their relationship with that parent.
- Giving false choices: Don't let your children "choose" whether to go to Dad's this weekend - legally, they can't. Plus, you could breed resentment in them and your ex.
- Keeping info to yourself: Medical records, school information, soccer schedules - everything should be shared between you and your ex. Withholding important facts makes things harder for everyone.
- Using your kids as spies: Asking your kid to gather facts on your former spouse puts them in an awkward position. Be an adult: if there's something you need to know, ask.
- Ignoring children's needs: Your kids may need to tote belongings between houses, talk on the phone with their other parent and bond with your ex-spouse. Pretending these needs don't exist (or that they cause you pain) can harm your children's development and their relationship with both parents.
- Refusing to budge: Sometimes, you may have to give a little on custody days or visitation time. But chances are, you'll need your ex to be flexible in the future. Pointless rigidity doesn't benefit anyone.
- Sabotaging your ex-spouse's time: Planning fun activities for time your ex is supposed to have the kids (or over-scheduling kids so they have little to no free time with your ex) causes hard feelings all around: your kids are sore about missing the fun, your ex is angry you tried to pull them away and your relationship with your kids suffers.
- "Rescuing" your kids from nothing: Acting like you're saving your children (physically or psychologically) from their other parent when you don't need to creates an illusion that one parent is unfit or dangerous.
- Blaming your ex for the divorce: Even if it was your ex-spouse's fault, there's no need to share this with your kids. They'll figure it out eventually.
- Lying: Your ex will probably get tired of covering for you. This alienates you from your children.
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Keep in mind that these behaviors can make divorce even more difficult for children. Modifying your behavior may be difficult and probably won't happen overnight, but with a concentrated effort, you can prevent yourself from alienating your children from your ex-spouse or yourself.
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